OT but you have to read this: New Information on the Kursk

From: Joe <rigdonj_at_intellistar.net>
Date: Tue Oct 17 09:10:58 2000

>Subject: New Information on the Kursk
>
>Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For those
>with short attention spans, the Kursk was the submarine that blew up and
>sank in the Artic Ocean killing all 118 on board. The Russians tried to
>blame the incident on a collision with an unidentified object. However,
>sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at first, then a much
>larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims. A whistle blower
>within the Russian military has leaked that the crew of the Kursk was
>testing a new type of torpedo when the accident occurred. It seemed very
>likely that the test didn't go quite as planned.
>
>While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage
>crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained
>detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. As luck would
>have it, we got a copy of those tapes.
>
>It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft Windows on
>their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging CP/M
>operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians
>didn't know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by Windows. The
>log tapes make this painfully obvious:
>
>Captain: Is new fire control Windows OS installed yet, Comrade?
>
>Seaman: Almost Sir. Just need to finish filling out registration card.
>
>Captain: Excellent. Soon is being able to point and click our enemies into
>oblivion.
>[evil laughter in background]
>
>Seaman: Comrade Captain! Is booting! Look, it says "Preparing to run Windows
>for first time".
>[long pause]
>
>Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, is wanting me to reboot again. That makes 27th time.
>
>Captain: Hmmm. Is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.
>
>Seaman: Aye, aye Sir.
>[another long pause]
>
>Seaman: Captain, is up again. Is saying it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM
>drive and that is needing drivers.
>
>Captain: Where are drivers?
>
>Seaman: On CD-ROM.
>
>Captain: You are joking, right?
>
>Seaman: No Sir.
>
>Captain: Reboot damn thing again. I am starting not to liking this Windows.
>[another long pause]
>
>Seaman: Sir! Is back! Is saying it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is
>looking for device drivers. Do we have driver disk?
>
>Captain: I do not think so.
>
>Seaman: I will tell it to use default drivers.
>[another long pause]
>
>Seaman: Crap. Is wanting to reboot again.
>
>Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? Is taking forever. Our
>hull is rusting out before this works.
>[another long pause]
>
>Seaman: Sir! Is up and this time is not asking for anything!
>
>Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles?
>
>Seaman: No Sir. I think is ready.
>
>Captain: Good work comrade. Now is clicking on the fire control icon and
>letting us see how this works.
>
>Seaman: Is clicking now, Sir.
>[another long pause]
>
>Captain: Why does fire control screen have dancing paper clip on it?
>
>Seaman: I have no idea, Sir.
>
>Captain: Hmmm, is trying clicking on menu.
>
>Seaman: Aye Sir. Is saying: Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire a
>Torpedo.
>
>Captain: Is spamming friend later. Is firing torpedo now.
>
>Seaman: Aye Sir.
>[another long pause]
>
>Seaman: Is asking us to load torpedo and to click when ready.
>
>Captain: Torpedo room, load torpedo in tube number 1!
>
>[intercom:] This is Torpedo room. Torpedo is loaded, Sir.
>
>Captain: Click on continue button.
>
>Seaman: Aye Sir.
>[another long pause]
>
>Seaman: Is asking for target, Sir.
>
>Captain: Hmmm, is targeting Rainbow Warrior.
>
>Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! Is saying torpedo is low on ink.
>
>Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.
>
>Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire.
>
>Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade.
>
>Seaman: Is firing torpedo, Sir.
>[another really long pause]
>
>Captain: Well?
>
>Seaman: Am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait minute....
>[a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on
>intercom]
>
>Captain: WTF was that?!?!?
>
>Seaman: Captain! New screen has appeared! "Outlook Express Fire Control has
>performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. "Click 'OK' to
>continue."
>
>Seaman: Oh my God! Paper clip has died! What should I do?
>
>Captain: Is shutting it down! Is shutting it down!
>
>Seaman: Is not responding Sir!
>
>Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!
>
>Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! Task manager is still operating. I am
>instructing task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control.
>[another long pause]
>
>Seaman: Task manager is saying that Outlook Fire Control is not responding.
>
>Captain: Well, no shit. Tell it to 'end task.'
>
>Seaman: Is happening nothing, Sir.
>
>Captain: Is trying 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.
>
>Seaman: Aye Sir.
>[sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]
>
>Seaman: Oooh! Is pretty blue screen!
>
>Captain: Holy Shit! Not Blue Screen of Dea....
>[KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing
>water.]
>
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
>The tape ends at this point.
>
>During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in the
>form of Morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. The
>rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the last of
>their strength tapping out "Windows sucks" in Morse code. The tapes of the
>last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into this.
>
>
Received on Tue Oct 17 2000 - 09:10:58 BST