OT: humans are the most advanced form of life- Yeah Right!!

From: Joe <rigdonj_at_intellistar.net>
Date: Fri Jan 15 19:02:12 1999

I know this is OT but it's too good to miss!

   Joe

>
>They have finally been released! For anyone not familiar with the Darwin
>Award: it's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal
>human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most
>extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen
>again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this
>event!
>
>1998 DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES:
> 1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
>two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer
>grate to retrieve his car keys.
> 2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
>zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a
>200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
> 3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had
>dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel
>Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
>sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed,
>burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the outer banks,
>used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident
>of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using
>heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on.
>Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
> 4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he
>fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
>Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to
>keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
> 5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,
>was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
>trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was
>wearing.
> 6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,
>DE, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
>with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
> 7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta,
>27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in
>the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
> 8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near
>Ozark, AR, after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot
>where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
>
>1998 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS:
> 1. In Guthrie, OK, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
>with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock
>near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his
>skull.
> 2. In Elyria, OH, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
>cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch
>and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
> 3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in
>September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
>dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored
>couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what
>would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was
>closed.
> 4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual
>festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year
>no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured including one gored
>in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull
>against [a town of] a thousand morons."
>
>SOME MORE ALSO RANS:
> 1. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents.
>Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim
>Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his
>chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela
>Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller
>had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition
>to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why
>I did it," she said later "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think
>anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two
>seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab,
>running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building.
>Inside, Klesick, a dental technician,was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The
>crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums
>with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from
>Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the
>medical building.
> 2. Taos, NM: A woman went to a poison control center after eating
>three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw
>a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator
>arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed the doctors' suspicions. Marie
>Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable
>to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was
>wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She
>ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were
>able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill
>effects.
> 3. La Grange, GA: Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma
>center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the
>thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the
>shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right
>on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact
>that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was
>a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony
>just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times
>during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it
>that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really
>did expect to find an answering machine in there."
> 4. Tacoma, WA: Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
>when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
>Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more
>heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30
>am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one
>had brought the bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
>volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One
>end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied
>to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore
>his foot off at the ankle. Miraculously, he survived his fall into the icy
>river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said
>Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just
>no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
> 5. Bremerton, WA: Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were
>engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter
>on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean.
>Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and
>testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a
>half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the
>dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away
>the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take
>him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle.
>Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain
>lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis.
>"Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high
>alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped
>sterilize the wound. Also, aside from it being removed, the damage caused
>by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very
>stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining
>the use of his limb because of this." Washington Animal Control has no plans
>to seize Rudy.
>
>AND THE WINNER:
>Paderborn, Germany: Overzealous zookeeper, Friedrich Riesfeldt, fed his
>constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
>bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally
>let fly and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators
>say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an
>olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck
>full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation
>knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and
>lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of
>him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one
>there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a
>watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be
>just one of those freak accidents that happen."
>
>
Received on Fri Jan 15 1999 - 19:02:12 GMT

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